Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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