You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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