I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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