He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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