Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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