I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Randomize