xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Randomize
