Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
