So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Your dad touched me again.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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