I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
