He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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