false alarm. still invincible.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
