Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
