i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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