I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
