keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
