I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
