no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
They have beer where we have blood.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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