There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
There's a naked man in my car right now.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
