i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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