was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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