spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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