I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
