I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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