Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
