I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I have fence marks all over my body
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
