my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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