wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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