i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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