sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize