My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
