I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize