I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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