and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
