it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So squirting runs in the family.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
