dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
