Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Green mimosas i think yes
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize