I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
