I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
