I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
