I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize