I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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