i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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