I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
