Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
