i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
