I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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