The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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