if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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