I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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