Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
