Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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