It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
