My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize