she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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