dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize