Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
