I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
