god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
