You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
