don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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