he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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