The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
