my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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