can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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